Toxic

If I had to guess, I would say that you could ask any friend of mine what I'm majoring in or studying at school, and they probably wouldn't be able to tell you...or, at the very least, they'd start out by saying, "I don't know, last time I heard I think she was studying _____." Hell, I think this is the same response my own mother has to use... But it isn't for lack of trying. I've always known that I would get a degree in some form of art, it's just that pinning down a specific field has been really difficult...because I love everything related to art. I wouldn't mind having a degree in all of these fields: painting/drawing, theatre, English and music history; I just know that I'd rather endure a root canal procedure than spend that much time in school.

With all of that in mind, I spent the last year and a half in school in some back and forth mental tango between visual art and theatre; one that has left me in limbo, confused, frustrated and immensely depressed most of the time for reasons I can barely explain.

As I near the end of a 3-year run at my university, I know I need to pick a major and stick with it (I should have chosen a major "officially" a few semesters ago), but I still find myself doubting my options. It is with great pleasure, however, that I was fortunate enough to find a copy of The Artist's Way a few weeks ago. This book is essentially an artist's manual/workbook, geared at curing creative blockages and reviving the, er, inner artist(?) that has always been a part of you.

I first heard about this book a few months ago on Laura Veir's website. Apparently, a few years ago, Laura was teaching music lessons (talk about wishing I had a time machine to jump on an opportunity like that!--I'm assuming she doesn't teach now...) and requested that students use this book as a supplemental text. After some extensive research on the book and the stored faith I already have in her as an artist, I decided I needed this book in my life. And talk about making a great investment...

I am only now just beginning to approach week 1 of the 12-week "recovery process," and already I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't think I knew I was creatively blocked until I began reading this book, but now it all makes sense! You know, I haven't completed a painting or drawing in the past 2 years... TWO YEARS. I've started on somewhere between 20-30...and never finished one of them. I think I haven't finished a book either... Well, that's probably a lie. I know I've started on at least 50-70, though, in the last 2 years...and I don't remember finishing many of them. It's like there is some stopping point in my mind, where I just drop off and quit with things. That can't be healthy...right?

What I'm getting at is this: I don't know where or what caused me to become so creatively blocked, all I know is that I'm working to un-do all the damage. And I realized yesterday that, the healthiest thing for me to do regarding school is to go back to fine arts and focus on painting and drawing. Would I rather have a degree in theatre? Maybe. However, if I plan on staying at the school I'm at (and really, at this point, it's the smartest option...even though I can be a bitchy, sulky whinebag about it), I don't want a theatre degree from there. As much as I love theatre, the department itself has presented me with more problems than solutions (something that I can NOT say the same for the fine arts department). I know I'm not alone in this regard, either. My favorite teacher and semi-confidant in the theatre department once referred to the department as "toxic"...a mental image that has stuck in my mind ever since. I'm not saying that I am completely innocent regarding the hand I've been dealt, I'm just saying that for the sake of my mental sanity it would probably be best if I just went back to my ole faithful, visual art, and stuck it out there for the remaining year or two. It's not like I plan on using any bachelor's degree I get once I graduate, anyway.

On that note, I leave you with (bet you saw this coming...sort of) Britney Spears' song "Toxic." It seemed fitting, however I'm not a totally sadistic individual...I'm leaving you with the Yael Naim version, which is definitely a better recording (IMO) on all sides: vocally, musically, compositionally, you get the idea...

Confession: I actually like Britney Spears' version of "Toxic"...Jesus H.....

School is for Fools?

I've reached a point of being so burnt out with school that I literally have to bribe myself to do required work. I tell myself that I can watch a movie or read something I actually want to if I can just finish those next 7 bullet points on my study guide. Otherwise I am the most convincing person when it comes to talking myself into/out of things...and my school work literally won't get done. I redefine procrastination by using due dates and times to their full capacity (sometimes even opting to surpass them and "test the waters" of whatever course I'm taking and the professor who teaches it's limitations). For the most part I have managed to skate through college relatively unscathed (a fact I attribute solely to my diligent [retired-teacher] mother's hustle with me and school), but it doesn't always work in my favor...and right now, this semester, it's catching up with me.

Depending on where you are right now, you may or may not notice that I am typing this entry at 3:56 A.M. (EST)...and the reason I mention it at all is because, contrary to popular belief, I don't really like to stay up super late like most college kids. Don't get me wrong, I love to stay up late as fuck...IF I know I can sleep in the next day and all will be well. Other than that, I hate staying up late (especially if I'm doing work). Sleep and I get along really well. In fact, when we don't see each other for periods of time, the universe throws both of our schedules out of whack until things can settle back into some semblance of rhythmic order. Tonight, however, sleep and I will not be having our daily rendezvous...instead I am having an affair with my school work. Oh yeah, you heard right, and it's just as exciting as it sounds!

What it boils down to is this: I'm fucked. I put off studying for my first exam in my "Medieval Art and Architecture" course (which is tomorrow...er, I mean, later today); a course which, let me just say, is a split-level class...meaning it's offered at both a 300-level and a 500-level (for the graduate students) and also meaning that those of us in there at the 300-level made a huge mistake signing up for it. Of course it's catered to the grad students, with an expansive workload featuring in-depth studies of every basilica and relief you ain't never heard of...Hell, if I were them I know I'd want it to be that way...but what about the rest of us? Oh, who am I kidding...I'm just whining because I put off all the required reading and studying until literally last night and now I'm having to cram hopelessly until the sun comes up.

What am I getting at, you ask? Well, I don't know. Maybe the fact that, deep down, I fucking love school. I love learning, I love reading, I love studying...love love love. But there is some soul-sucking element lying in the walls of my university that has almost drained me of all life...an element that I've spent the last 4 semesters trying to discover. I'm constantly frustrated because I know that when I graduate...IF I graduate...my GPA will only reflect the product of my unhappiness instead of any semblance of aptitude, intelligence or perseverance. I'm frustrated because I can't enjoy this time of my life that is supposed to be the "end all, be all" apparently (and let me just say, if that's true, well...WOW...the future is looking bleak ya'll). And I'm frustrated because I just don't want to be in school.

It's moments like these that I wish quitting college was easy and practical...but alas, it doesn't seem to be. All I gotta say is, if a bachelor's degree is the "new" high school diploma, where is the GED equivalent of a bachelor's degree? Cause the second they create one...sign me the fuck up.

And yes, I'm posting a Beach Boys video to end this post. Listen to the dulcet tones of Carl Wilson and get sucked into his porkchop sideburns...Lord knows I am!